A Meditation on Rebirth

& returning home to yourself.

It begins with chaos— spread across a loud, inviting and dismembering darkness. One, that has been building within you for a while. One, that you can feel inching closer but you do not quite know how to describe it. Until it spreads around you, and it is impossible to ignore. Until everything around you is a deep scarlet and you are whelmed in escalating fury. Your mind roars, with unforgivable ringing. Your attention is demanded.

Then, you really start living. Once the pain has reached a terrifying summit, and your body is hurled from her top. Everything is destroyed. The world that you had falsely found comfort in, is burnt to ashes, and you are left with only the most essential thing, a working, beating, pumping heart.

Your life begins when you feel like it has ended.

Slowly, sickly, you crawl out of your self-appointed grave, and you see the sun rise again. You rub your eyes in disbelief. Yes, there is brightness, still. You survived the fall. You are still breathing. You bring a shaking hand upto your chest. You hold it there. You are greeted by a steady rhythm. You are reminded of your good fortune. You exist. This is your luck. Your attention is demanded again, what will you make of your good luck?

Your legs steady. You begin to walk. You find a waterfall and you stop to marvel at it’s beauty. As you gape at her rushing waters, you feel yourself being revived. She enters you and starts to flow through you.

"Arjuna, I am the taste of pure water and the radiance of the sun and moon. I am the sacred word and the sound heard in air, and the courage of human beings. I am the sweet fragrance in the earth and the radiance of fire; I am the life in every creature and the striving of the spiritual aspirant.” - Bhagavad Gita.

You begin to create again.

Each day is different, some days are harder than others. You frequently remember your life before the fall. Some of your memories are so stark, that you can almost taste them. You distinctly remember those days, when you felt like you had everything. You mourn what is lost and you let your tears water the soil below your feet. You continue to build.

With time, you begin to question your memories. Did you really have everything? Did you truly understand the value of your own life the way that you do now? You begin to ask yourself, what have I learnt?

Day after day, your home grows bigger. It slowly becomes a place of wonder. Creatures of the earth, and those of spiritual realms, both visit you. You have created this home from love. You welcome all. You have begun to value life in a way that you never did before. Every breath is precious. Every body is divine. Your eyes no longer shine with sadness, they shine with excitement.

One day, you feel strong again. So strong, that you decide to revisit the summit you fell from. You prepare your things and bid your new friends adieu. You embark on a long journey, wondering what you will find when you return. Will the chaos still be there? Will it still be dark? Will you find the ashes of your old life?

Your mind runs with stories, full of vivid imagination. You finally reach the peak again. When you look around you, there is nothing there. You scrutinize your surroundings, but your old life is nowhere to be found. Then you look above yourself and fresh moonlight shines upon your face. She urges you to look beyond the peak, you listen, and then you finally see it. You see your new world. The same one that you built. It is rich with forests and a blooming wilderness. There are fairy lights around your home and the sound of a distant laughter greets your ears. Your heart pangs and you know where your presence is required.

It is time to return home to yourself.

Pokali Waterfall in Nepal, image from Rupali Kushwaha, 2025.