The Myth of Toughness; on sensitivity & survival

The Empaths' World series part 1

Mary Herbert, Protector (2022-23)

Like all living things, humans are taught to survive first. We cry as we come out of our mother’s womb, as a call for recognition. As toddlers, we cry to keep our caregivers close. In these early moments, emotional expression is welcomed. However over time, this biological instinct is eventually seen as a flaw. And the need to express our emotions is misconstrued as a weakness we must hide to be seen as worthy. The fight for survival evolves and we play games to be more numb, more rehearsed, more suited to the expectations of collective society.

The stories collective society tells about who we must become to be worthy. Sensitivity, labelled a liability, is therefore hidden and suppressed. The torture of the sensitive soul begins. We are encouraged to be tough to navigate life, and hide evidence of our delicate feelings; the deep aching within our spirits for more. Suppressing and morphing into more palatable forms, more suited to interactions in family, institutions, relationships, and basic everyday interactions.

The myth of toughness connotes an obligation to impertinence towards the tenderness of our hearts’ wishes. This myth fuels our want for validation on a path ill-suited to the empath. Ignoring our longing for truth and softness, sensitivity becomes a bruise we disregard until it hurts too much not to look at. Choosing to be less open and living without honoring the intensity of our emotions, for fear of being ostracized and judged. We are held down by beliefs of what should matter and what feelings should be less important. But there is no glory at the end of a life lived inauthentically, only regret, disconnection and pain.

To reclaim sensitivity as strength, the sensitive soul must first accept their nature. They must put aside mediums of suppression and take up space within themselves by acknowledging their needs, desires, and boundaries. They must confront and forgive the times they dishonored themselves and abandoned their true feelings to please the world. This will help them move forward with a renewed sense of validation and self-awareness.

From that place of self-awareness, the sensitive soul must confront their emotions with clarity. Hold them. Understand them. Distinguish between intuition and consumed lies. Like the integrity of images in distorted glass cannot be trusted completely, the heightened state of the soul could cause ripples of projection over truth and memory. Recognize this as the groundwork of self-awareness, sharpening wisdom for refined insight; as society does not forgive unexamined emotions and untrue outbursts, but respects unperturbed clarity attained from deep reflection.

As the sensitive soul cuts through illusions with truth and awareness, it is crucial to remain grounded within body and mind. They must master their emotions by reframing their feelings and responding to triggers with intention. In addition, they must regulate their emotions by adjusting and controlling the intensity of feelings as they arise through mindfulness, cognitive reappraisal, and acceptance. Lastly, they must reframe negative situations by reworking their interpretations for a more positive outlook. Through these mental grounding practices, the sensitive soul can consciously choose words, thoughts, and actions that reflect a holistic awareness of triggering situations and their impact, rather than reacting impulsively and facing the consequences. They can therefore navigate external interactions from a place of agency and not helplessness. They become both the observer and experiencer, applying discernment with elegance while staying true to their emotions.

Discernment is also needed when nurturing safe spaces that support vulnerability, as not every space (or person) is a haven. The sensitive soul must listen to their enlightened intuition, and the age-old wisdom of the gut that knows when to open up and be vulnerable, and when to protect and set boundaries.

Living authentically in a world that demands conformity is not weakness but a rebellion. It is a strength that deserves to be refined, reformed, and taught. The sensitive soul is an undisputed treasure, the sharpest blade that must be wielded with wisdom, intellect and ease.

Sensitive people should be treasured. They love deeply and think deeply about life. They are loyal, honest, and true. The simple things sometimes mean the most to them. They don’t need to change or harden. Their purity makes them who they are - Kristen Butler

Thank you for reading The Myth of Toughness. This post is the first release of a series I’ve started titled The Empaths’ World, which focuses on navigating life as a sensitive soul. We’ll explore themes on reclaiming sensitivity as strength, recovering from emotional suppression, and living authentically as empaths in the dynamic of family, friendship, work, and romantic relationships.

Join me each month in these discussions and Q&A sessions. I can’t wait for you to read more!

With love,

Esther.