when a phoenix comes home to herself

the past few months have been transformative and intense. i broke a cycle i had been stuck in for years. a cycle of giving others the benefit of the doubt, simply because i love so hard. a cycle of allowing myself to hurt, and be in discomfort, for the sake of others. a cycle of being in environments that shot my nervous system, being around people that kept me in fight-or-flight, and being self destructive when i got hurt or betrayed yet again. i have been on the journey of coming home to myself for a few years now, and when they say healing isn’t linear and it takes time, they mean it. it is fucking up and making the same mistake over and over before it “finally clicks”. it is in choosing yourself in small ways and then forgetting yourself, but then choosing yourself again. until one day, it just doesn’t make sense to NOT choose yourself.

i grew up in an environment that was unsafe and made me constantly question myself. this concoction is what led me to constantly seek outside myself for comfort, for safety, for love, for home. and anytime i thought i found just that, it was ripped away. and i was left with this immense pain and homesickness. it wasn’t until recently that i realized it wasn’t homesickness. it is more similar to having unwanted guests in your home for so long, and when they finally leave, you have unconditional permission to finally be free in your own home. i had unwanted guests for so long. i put my foot down and chased them out with a broom. then i began cleansing and cleaning and rebuilding till it was mine again.

this past month i have been connecting with my body. i have been indulging in the sensuality that moving with intention gives me. yoga, intense cardio on the elliptical, roller skating, and hot-passionate-nasty sex with a respectful, kind lover. i have been mindful of the attention and care i am giving to my body. i lather her in lotions and oils after every shower, and spray my signature scent before bed. i cut out pop and processed snacks from my diet. i deserve effort and luxury. to romanticize and love on myself passionately and sweetly. to treat myself like a goddess first and foremost, so i can no longer dare imagine her getting mistreated again. this body is loved. this body is safe. this body is home.

when a phoenix comes home to herself

i died during aries season,

for a second time.

let my body cave into the dirt,

and she welcomed me.

“Mother, mother,

how will i ever feel safe in a body that does not feel like home?”

she caked my already brown skin in her flesh.

held me till i stopped squirming like the worms.

i was reminded of the tether.

swaddled by her warmth.

i am a part of her body.

i come from dirt.

i resurrected during taurus season,

for a second time.

let my bones and guts metamorphosize

as i ascended into the sun.

there is a slither in my core that

makes my hips writhe.

a hiss in my ear, that tickles and makes me smile.

the warmth on my body seeps deep into me,

then in turn radiates out.

a phoenix welcomes duality

and knows her flame can never truly be put out.